Fight for Life

July 25th, 2010

 

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN……..

 

It’s so quiet you can hear a pin drop. That’s unusual on D/R, noise is a constant in this war zone. But today, the quiet is expected…. It’s execution day.

I’m sitting here and I swear I’m hoping for a miracle. I have made every promise I know to make to God…. and in the end, I beg still more; PLEASE GOD DON’T LET THEM KILL MY FRIEND !!!

Death has way of making you contemplate your own mortality; you start to think «　I could be next…..MY MOMMA…. MY KIDS !!! You just want to tell them how much you love and need them, you just want them to really know, because now, in here, life is moving faster then it seemed to move before, because words seem to be such a small thing when it comes to the emotions that are running through you right now; emotions that seem bigger than life. Perhaps, even a hug or a kiss still won’t be able to measure up to «　that love　» that have become life inside you, but it’s the closest thing to it. I know my friend had the same thoughts a thousand times over… he maybe having them now.

I shed a million tears even before I knew the outcome. I cried for his mother, his sisters and brothers, for his kids, for his father, because I know the hell I am going through is nothing compared to theirs.

I just sit and look at his old cell, thinking about all the things he told me… all the things he taught me, the stupid stuff he said that made me laugh even when I didn’t want to. It’s crazy, I made a real friend in the only hell I know….. I MISS HIM !!! There’s a part of me that wants to die too, so my boy won’t be alone.

Watching the clock, I know it is time… I beg God one more time….a million more times, because I don’t know what else to do. In truth, I would die for him because he has a family, where as I have no one. Seeing them all happy means more to me than staying alive. I am just thinking, I don’t want to look across the hall and not see him, I don’t want a day to pass without him calling my name…. I just want the peace of knowing that my boy is okay.

Life loses it’s meaning… it’s color when the people in your life start dying. It breaks your heart to go without them, and even though we do go on… we have already lost some of that passion that makes life so wonderful. That realization hit me when my mother, father and sister died, all since I have been incarcerated…. my brother also passed, I was here to see him leave. The same pain I felt then….. I felt it all over again, hours ago, as >I watched my best friend «　making his death walk　».
When I heard it on the news, I swear I was inches from losing my mind. All I could do was cry. I wanted revenge… I wanted payback…. I just wanted my boy back. I wanted him to come walking down the hall laughing, full of life and optimism that made everybody who knew him love him.

That day was a long time ago…. But I wanted you to know what it is like on «　D-DAY　» (Death Day)…. I wanted you to hear from someone who has seen it…. Someone who has felt it. It’s like that every day…. Death warrants get passed all the time, no one can run from that on DR.

Everyday is urgent…. Everyday is a memory… everyday is about love.

You are always looking at the guys close to you with intense passion, because you can never say for sure if «　this time　» is the last time that you will have the chance to do so. You look smiles into your memory, you store laughs into your heart’s treasury, because there’s no such thing as taking life for granted anymore.

It’s quiet where I am tonight, not because we await the word of death, no, it’s Sunday, so that means tomorrow awaits everybody back here. No one is exempt and nothing is for certain. I know that there’s a lot of promises being made…. A lot of praying being done…. A lot of contemplation….. A lot of remembering.
I am hoping that you all are thinking about those guys tonight…. Maybe even speaking to God. And if not him, for certain, a higher power.

I close with a simple request, Hope is a powerful thing, give it to those you can.

 

Respectfully written

Tyra