interviews Jason and A Soul Survivor

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN......

 

PART 2

 

The most difficult part of this for me is the separation. I have been away from my family for so long that when they actually were able to make this long trip (8 hours driving), I could not relate to them anymore... I had no idea how to talk to them... what to ask or how to act. The code of conduct is so different from the free world that if you do not interact with free world people, you lose those skills.

 

My mother was telling me about the death of my father, and it hurt me to my heart, because I loved him madly, but I couldn't cry. I wanted to... I needed to, but I just couldn't. You know, you become conditioned to the ways of a place, WE DON'T CRY HERE ! It is a show of weakness, And I could see the look on my mother's face, she could not understand my silence, the way I turned off my emotions. She was looking at me as though she were trying to figure out who I was. I mean she just told me that my father died and all I knew to do was to shut down. It wasn't something I thought about, it just happened. She wrote me a letter later telling me that I surprised her.... she said she didn't recognize me. In hindsight, I didn't recognize me.

I know I said separation was the hardest part, but maybe I spoke too quickly... I dunno, my thoughts aren't really clear, I just remember when I first realized that I wasn't the same person. It takes a lot to survive prison, and even more to recover from the damage this place does to you... some of us don't recover.

 

For all the things I had in my life, I realized when I got here that none of them mattered as much as my family. When I was se^parated from them, that is when I started to lose myself I guess you could say.

 

Fellas... Ladies, if you have family in your life, don't take them for granted, because in the end, you'll see that you are only as strong as those you have in your life. Love is largely underated, you can survive a couple of days without food and water, but you would wish for death in an instant without the love of those who love you. I know ! Prison is a hard truth. I am alive, but sincre I lost all my family, I wonder why.

 

Against all odds,

Jason N

December, 29, 2010

 

 

The uncertainly.... you never know how things are gonna be from day to day. Violence is always right underneath the surface. And sometimes, reasons aren't necessary, people just come to the dayroom or go to the rec. yard with violence in their heart. That stuff you see on TV., I don't play out like that... people killin' for real !!! There is no such thing as a peaceful day, because you never know how other people's night was... bad news travels fast in here, and to releave it... it just really depends on how bad the news was... on how bad your heart hurts... on how hopeless you feel... on how fed up with the bullshit the administration tries to feed you. There is no such thing as a five year sentence, or two year sentence.... we all say that we have life sentences, because no one is promised to leave here alive. We are all in the same boat, everyday is life or death... each visit can be your last.

 

I take unspeakable pleasure in being with my family on weekends. I drown myself in hugs and kisses. The “I love you's”, they are without end... I do my best to let them all know how much they mean to me, because in here, we don't deal in tomorrows, all we have is today.

 

And, hell yeah it scars me... scares me to death !!! I got a momma, I got kids... I have a beautiful wife... I have so many things I want to do, but I don't make plans, I just dream. I go home in two years if I live to see it, and I CAN'T WAIT !!! But, there's this business to deal with first !

 

I'd never tell my family the things I am telling Tyree, I guess that's why it's coming from me so quickly... I needed to tell someone ! I lost a lot of homies in this bitch... I got a lot of families to talk to, a lot of kids to talk about their daddies... a lot of momma's to talk to about their sons, and I feel like a traitor, because I'm still here. That's how the game is they say, but I don't see it like that... THIS AIN'T NO GAME !!! It's real life !!! A life that not too many know about ! And I ain't afraid to say, it's a life that I'm tired of... I been at war for ten years...I'm done ! I'm ready to go !!!

 

Shit, I don't know whato say... if anybody is reading this; if you got family or friends in prison, *fuck wit them”, boys dying down here everyday. I know most of you thinking that you can fix it when they come home... that you can make it all up when he/she comes jome.... what if they never make it home ? You ever thought about that ?

 

What you heard about prison, it's a lie... what you think you know about prison... you really don't ! Everyday is a matter of life and death... I'm just sayin' if you got anybody behind these walls that you love or care for, make today count... because ain't no such thing as tomorrow ! Understand ?

A Soul Survivor,

Tank

Jan, 1, 2011

 

Author's note : the term * fuck wit them * is slang for stay in touch/reach out to someone

 

I had in my mind to place at least four interviews per part, but I am not being allowed to do tht, so instead of three parts, I may have four or five. I don't know how many it will be, but I promise you this, every interview I did, you will read it, I PROMISE YOU THAT !!!!

 

Stay focused and keep dreaming !!!

Tyree

January 31, 2011